Jaws

Jaws

 

Dum-dum, dum-dum, goes the music’s beat

As I look up above at the pretty peoples feet.

It was in the year of nineteen seventy five

That I decided to eat everyone alive.

So I headed up the Massachusetts coast

To find a quiet spot for my summer roast.

She jumped right in and I began to size her,

She’d do just right as an appetiser.

So I bit her leg in the dead of night,

She screamed so loud even I got a fright

But I ate her leg, then I ate her head

And pretty soon she was very dead.

Now human beings don’t taste that great

But for me I guess it was just pure hate.

You see they go around and just think we’re dumb,

As I swim through their junk and dine on their scum

That now floats on the surface of each crashing wave.

I really just wish they’d learn to behave.

So anyway sorry, where was I at?

The lady was dead, I was certain of that.

So then I ate a young boy on the beach one fine day,

The people of Amity were all out to play.

The kids they all screamed as the blood flowed around

And they wept on the shore as his ear ran aground.

Then a scientist arrived to give some advice

To a struggling sheriff which I guess was nice.

He said, ”Carcharodon carcharias” is a great white shark,

It will eat anything in the light or the dark.

Which is nice I guess, to get some recognition

But nothing would distract me from my gluttonous mission.

So I ate and I munched and I chomped and I bit;

I terrorised the Island, it seems I was quite a hit.

‘Till news came one day of a threesome of crew

Heading out to sea, to see what they could do.

“Catch the beast” was roared as they departed

This was it, not for the faint-hearted.

Scheider, Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw,

Were the men in charge or who just drew the short straw?

The expert, the sheriff and the fisherman brave,

They had one job to do, their town was to save.

So the sailed away aboard the “The Orca”s decks.

Scheider worried behind his stately specs.

But I must admit I had to sit and gloat

When I heard him say, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat”.

It was decided then through mutual consent

Let battle commence and we’d hear no dissent.

As the men grew brave and the days passed by,

They took a few shots, they’d have not hurt a fly.

4 big yellow barrels were tied to a line,

To slow me right down I guess was the design.

It worked not one bit as I launched my attacks

And smashed up there boat like a beast with an axe.

I ate Robert Shaw and he tasted of whiskey

But the next think I did I guess was too risky

But I couldn’t stop eating and the boat was in bits

Scheider bobbed up and down scared out of his whits.

Charging like a bull I aimed myself south

When a bright metal airtank was launched in my mouth,

The next thing I saw as he aimed a gun high,

Were his terrified eyes, his end was nigh.

The last thing I remember as I heard the bells clang.

Was “DIE YOU SONOFABITCH” then …………………BANG.

The End

James Joyce and The Perfect June 16th

James Joyce and The Perfect June 16th

June 16^th in a south Dublin town

Is your only man, a jewel in the crown.

Sandycove beach for a nice early walk

A dip round the corner and some Forty Foot talk.

The buses pull up and the Yanks scratch their heads

Let’s all get some Ice cream….. is it Teddy’s or Teds?

We see all the people in splendid regalia

And friends all the way from Glasthule and Australia.

It’s a funny small town with a proud noisy boast

And it sits in the middle of a shining blue coast.

On June 16^th in this south Dublin town

Everyone smiles there’s no chance of being down.

As we stuff a big brunch and polish our boots

And head down to Fitzys in straw hats and suits.

There’s the usual crowd, they’re there all the year

Saying hi to each other, getting in rounds of beer.

Hey Tom get behind there, stop singing your song

The place is jam packed and the queues a mile long.

 A good kick in the arse are what your kids need,

As Ciara and Karl pay not a blind bit of heed.

Cavo shouts loud still dressed for his fish

And Betty turns heads, still got it - the dish.

The folks who just like to have some peace and a read

Must vacate for this day as the mad men are freed.

Cause some one hundred years and a few for good measure

Have landed us here with this wonderful treasure.

In a book no one’s read about a guy no one knows

All we really can say is that we all like the clothes!

Cause walking to eternity along Sandymount strand

Is all anybody knows and sure but isn’t it grand.

Cause the sun sometimes shines and the rain might have stopped

So we all stand outside and some pose we’ll adopt

For the Indo or Times or some online web journal

To capture the day and make it eternal.

Will tears out his hair and just waits for tomorrow

And it’ll come soon enough so cheer up all your sorrow

But I’m not joking mate the place does be in bits

But it’s a small price to pay for all of this glitz.

So Eamon’s closed early and Mikes got his keys

Tom O’Higgins never opened ‘cause there’s moments to seize.

So grab a cold drink and hold it up to the roof

And think of your friends, they're here and that’s the proof.

Of this fine great book just look what it’s done

One hundred years of laughter and all this good fun.

But make the most of it folks cause its closing time soon

And in the morning we’ll be singin’ to a quite different tune.

Rough Options

Faced with a dilemma, late on Friday night,
You want to get your hole and you couldn't give a shite.
The hot chicks with the great big boobs are all now long departed
And the one you hedged your bets on has left you broken-hearted.
So the barman's called last orders and your picking up the crumbs
Or else you're going home alone getting hassled by the bums.

There's a fatty, a minger or that chick who's off her face
Pulling kisses at the wall and falling round the place.
But you know that in five minutes she'll be throwing up her tea
And you'll be holding back her hair as you're standing in her wee.

The fatty'll want to stop, you know, so she can get some chips
And in the morning you'll be scarred for life by the memory of her hips.
The chances are as well, of course, that as you sneak her out,
Your mate will laugh and point and stare at her cellulite and gout.
So forget about it, leave it out, it's not worth the fucking scorn,
You can always turn the lights down low, with a little bit of porn!

What about the bogger with the Leitrim jersey on?
She'll believe your bullshit once all her mates are gone.
But do you really want to know, the price of cattle at the mart
Can you listen to her mumble as she rips your dick apart
With her giant big farmer hands, all calloused from her work.
Driving Massey Fergusons to Mass aint my idea of a quirk.

Lets face it what you're looking for just isn't going to happen,
And finding hot chicks on the prowl's never gonna be a tap in
But to be fair it's not that bad, a hot dog will do just fine,
As you walk down to the night link to join the great big line.

And as you do you spot a girl, staring back at you
Its Ross McMahon from Junior School, that you never really knew.
So you say hello and give a smile and offer her a bite,
As she asks you for your number so you can meet another night.

Her lovely eyes tell you that she means just what she said,
That she fancied you when you were kids and you go completely red.

So the next time that you're hanging round outside the ladies jacks,
Waiting for your dream girl while avoiding all the knacks.
You never know whats waiting there, hiding in plane sight
Much better than an ugly bitch, who'd give Chucky's bride a fright.

Heroes in a Half Shell

Four wise old me, lived five hundred years ago.
Changed the way we think and reversed the status quo,
Perspective perfected, their minds were infected
With moving us on, as if heavenly directed.

Da Vinci was the greatest and seemed to do it all,
He thought outside the box, hanging masterpieces on the wall.
Even flight was on his mind as others scratched their heads
And nothing held him back except the worried Holy Feds.

Next came Donatello making statues with his hands,
Using such fine detail he would fuss about the sands
Marble, limestone, granite quartz,
He'd use them all and even warts
Were put upon his famous faces
And all sent around to different places.

Now Michelangelo lay on his back
and crippled lying on his paint soaked mac.
The Cysteine Chapel thanks him still
Decorated by his mighty quill.
The cardinals now to this day,
Meet up and chat while the smoke is grey.
The tourists stand in awe and stare
At god and Adam in holy prayer.
Some person thought it a travesty
And covered up gods modesty
With a little nighty coloured pink
Its weird to think that at the very brink
Of Mans creation from the ground
It was gods attire that was so fround.

And then another; Raphael,
Created David under a spell.
He's made of bronze and three feet tall
But perfect even if it is quite small.

'Cause people realised even back then
That amazingness was in these men.
And to this day we look in awe
To tell our neighbours that we saw
In Paris, Rome and Florence too
While they just visited the zoo.

But in that time we've really tried
To destroy their honour, they would have cried.
For now upon our telly sets
They completely changed our view of pets.
Every Christmas now the kids all scream
"We want that turtle on the TV screen".

There's four of them live with a giant rat
Eating pizzas till they all get fat
And they fight their villain with their nightly calls
"Kowabunga dude" at Krangs giant balls.
Cause their evil foe looks like a testicle
All wrinkled in his man shaped vesicle.

So there you go that's how it ends,
Its a sorry state I'm afraid my friends.
These men of greatness will live on in name
As Warner hangs their heads in shame.
The sewer turtles from a studio
Are the only names the children know
And the four great men from the Renaissance
I'm sure would stare in quiet nonchalance
And shed a tear that their works of arts
Are remembered best in cartoon parts.

Green Envy

Green Envy

When I’m a grownup with knowledge and cash,

A big, fancy wrist watch and Tom Selleck tash.

I’ll never think about what it’s like to be small.

I’ll just act the prick and a complete know it all.

With my shiny red hatch back blaring Coldplay all cool,

God I can’t wait to be that fucking tool.

‘Cause it seems to be normal in the grownups I see,

To be an absolute arsehole to kids like you and me.

Disregarding our education as if it’s a joke

And being condescending even though they’re all broke.

But it’s your fucking problem, you made this mess,

We’re all out of here; it’s not worth the stress.

So when you’re sixty five and your pension is due

There’ll be no fucking money and the joke is on you.

’Cause we’ll all be in London living the dream

I guess we’re not that fucking stupid…….. or so it would seem.

Ugly Duckling???

There once was an ugly duckling, with feathers all scruffy and brown,
And all the other ducks said, "quack, my God, quack, quack, oh my God, You're too mingin' for L.A. town".

The poor little ugly duckling was laughed at and teased and he cried.
He withdrew from the word and stayed in his room and away from the world he would hide.
His gnarly rough feathers were covered in tears as he reached for the biscuit tin,
He sat there and balled as he looked in the mirror; He now had a double chin.

The years they passed by as he sat in his room, immersed in the dreams in his head.
The Pixies, Bob Dylan, Wilde and Bill Hicks, his best friends while he lay on his bed.

When Uni came round he packed up his bags. He prepared for life in a battle,
He waddled on campus despite points and sneers in a college just north of Seattle.
The classes he chose were both varied and fun and the things that he liked the most,
Like politics, arts and the history of man, way up on that Pacific coast.

He learned to play drums, even formed his own band but just of the online kind,
Too afraid they wouldn't accept his strange face, anonymity was best he did find.
But from all of this work that he did on the net, he hatched a plan one fine day,
To start a podcast with music and chat and just see where his venture might stray.

He discussed John Lennon, the Pope and Iran, his honesty won him some fans,
With humour and research and knowledge and style a change from the usual fake tans.
A few months went passed and just by word of mouth, the listeners numbers grew big.
Refreshing to hear him not speak of himself like the usual self righteous pod-pig.

A radio station not far from his flat, got wind of this show on the web
And over the phone he was offered a job, he'd be heard from L.A. to the Leb.
His wages as well, quack quack oh my God, he couldn't believe his blind luck.
By just being himself he could do just fine for such a strange and fat ugly duck.

Now in his 50's with a wonderful wife, he opens the news every day
And reads about all the ugly real life that goes on all the time in L.A.
With divorces and face lifts and prescription pills and battling the day that you die
He smiles at his wife with his four meals a day.........polished off with a nice pecan pie.

Confused Bee Enthusiast and the Dread of Colony Collapse Disorder

While sitting watching telly, late last Thursday night

I heard some tragic news, which gave me an awful fright.

The disappearance of the B, vanishing across the land.

"Who really cares though?" I thought and I dismissed it out of hand.

But then they made another point that made me jolt awake,

About the colonies we’d lose and just what was at stake.

Cause then  it got me thinking, exactly what we’d lose

If all the colonies we had would soon become old news.

India and Bangladesh, Ireland and Oz

And little Fiji out at sea, its as if it never was.

And all because the B was lost, gone from our alphabet,

It seemed so strange, I was confused and I then began to fret.

For Bobby Charlton, Benny Hill and Alexander Graham Bell,

Would be erased from history as if vanished by a spell.

The Bacon Butties, Beer and Beans would never touch our lips

Fantastic for cholesterol  and wonders for our hips.

But culturally our foods not great at the very best of times,

With Boveril and Battered Bars, all culinary crimes.

And Beacons of our great  empire, the BBC and old Big Ben,

Would not stand up for Brittishness , We’d be off to sea again.

Even us, our country, our very name Britain,

Would be gone forever, lost it seems, as if it were never written

And Blur, Kate Bush and David Bowie would never touch our ears.

Imagine if the Beatles had not been with us all those years?

So yes I guess its not a shock, the British empire's in collapse.

We’ll have to write to all the schools and change all of the maps.

We underestimate you little B, and all the things you do

I hope its not too late dear friend and that we may rescue you.