Jaws

Jaws

 

Dum-dum, dum-dum, goes the music’s beat

As I look up above at the pretty peoples feet.

It was in the year of nineteen seventy five

That I decided to eat everyone alive.

So I headed up the Massachusetts coast

To find a quiet spot for my summer roast.

She jumped right in and I began to size her,

She’d do just right as an appetiser.

So I bit her leg in the dead of night,

She screamed so loud even I got a fright

But I ate her leg, then I ate her head

And pretty soon she was very dead.

Now human beings don’t taste that great

But for me I guess it was just pure hate.

You see they go around and just think we’re dumb,

As I swim through their junk and dine on their scum

That now floats on the surface of each crashing wave.

I really just wish they’d learn to behave.

So anyway sorry, where was I at?

The lady was dead, I was certain of that.

So then I ate a young boy on the beach one fine day,

The people of Amity were all out to play.

The kids they all screamed as the blood flowed around

And they wept on the shore as his ear ran aground.

Then a scientist arrived to give some advice

To a struggling sheriff which I guess was nice.

He said, ”Carcharodon carcharias” is a great white shark,

It will eat anything in the light or the dark.

Which is nice I guess, to get some recognition

But nothing would distract me from my gluttonous mission.

So I ate and I munched and I chomped and I bit;

I terrorised the Island, it seems I was quite a hit.

‘Till news came one day of a threesome of crew

Heading out to sea, to see what they could do.

“Catch the beast” was roared as they departed

This was it, not for the faint-hearted.

Scheider, Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw,

Were the men in charge or who just drew the short straw?

The expert, the sheriff and the fisherman brave,

They had one job to do, their town was to save.

So the sailed away aboard the “The Orca”s decks.

Scheider worried behind his stately specs.

But I must admit I had to sit and gloat

When I heard him say, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat”.

It was decided then through mutual consent

Let battle commence and we’d hear no dissent.

As the men grew brave and the days passed by,

They took a few shots, they’d have not hurt a fly.

4 big yellow barrels were tied to a line,

To slow me right down I guess was the design.

It worked not one bit as I launched my attacks

And smashed up there boat like a beast with an axe.

I ate Robert Shaw and he tasted of whiskey

But the next think I did I guess was too risky

But I couldn’t stop eating and the boat was in bits

Scheider bobbed up and down scared out of his whits.

Charging like a bull I aimed myself south

When a bright metal airtank was launched in my mouth,

The next thing I saw as he aimed a gun high,

Were his terrified eyes, his end was nigh.

The last thing I remember as I heard the bells clang.

Was “DIE YOU SONOFABITCH” then …………………BANG.

The End

James Joyce and The Perfect June 16th

James Joyce and The Perfect June 16th

June 16^th in a south Dublin town

Is your only man, a jewel in the crown.

Sandycove beach for a nice early walk

A dip round the corner and some Forty Foot talk.

The buses pull up and the Yanks scratch their heads

Let’s all get some Ice cream….. is it Teddy’s or Teds?

We see all the people in splendid regalia

And friends all the way from Glasthule and Australia.

It’s a funny small town with a proud noisy boast

And it sits in the middle of a shining blue coast.

On June 16^th in this south Dublin town

Everyone smiles there’s no chance of being down.

As we stuff a big brunch and polish our boots

And head down to Fitzys in straw hats and suits.

There’s the usual crowd, they’re there all the year

Saying hi to each other, getting in rounds of beer.

Hey Tom get behind there, stop singing your song

The place is jam packed and the queues a mile long.

 A good kick in the arse are what your kids need,

As Ciara and Karl pay not a blind bit of heed.

Cavo shouts loud still dressed for his fish

And Betty turns heads, still got it - the dish.

The folks who just like to have some peace and a read

Must vacate for this day as the mad men are freed.

Cause some one hundred years and a few for good measure

Have landed us here with this wonderful treasure.

In a book no one’s read about a guy no one knows

All we really can say is that we all like the clothes!

Cause walking to eternity along Sandymount strand

Is all anybody knows and sure but isn’t it grand.

Cause the sun sometimes shines and the rain might have stopped

So we all stand outside and some pose we’ll adopt

For the Indo or Times or some online web journal

To capture the day and make it eternal.

Will tears out his hair and just waits for tomorrow

And it’ll come soon enough so cheer up all your sorrow

But I’m not joking mate the place does be in bits

But it’s a small price to pay for all of this glitz.

So Eamon’s closed early and Mikes got his keys

Tom O’Higgins never opened ‘cause there’s moments to seize.

So grab a cold drink and hold it up to the roof

And think of your friends, they're here and that’s the proof.

Of this fine great book just look what it’s done

One hundred years of laughter and all this good fun.

But make the most of it folks cause its closing time soon

And in the morning we’ll be singin’ to a quite different tune.